What Next?

I often ask myself, what next?

I’ve gone through a lot over the last few years. I honestly lost the passion I once had to write. I used to write all the time and then I succumbed to the pressure of life. I’ve been so stressed and depressed. I’ve even had a mental breakdown. It was a tough go for a bit. I didn’t think I was going to be able to push past the situations.

So I decided to get back to what I know, back to writing. Not keeping things bottled up. That should have never been a choice. Now I’m back and I’ve grown.

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Love You Forever

If I were in your heart, you’d never want to let me go.
Baby I’d give you all the things you want and more.
There would be no question of my love for you,
Because it would be shown out and inside of the bedroom.

Words can’t fully express the love we share,
This feeling that I have is ever so rare.
You’ve become apart of me. Mind, body, & soul.
But each day we grow together I gain more control.

I can’t lie, I’d love to have you anytime and anywhere.
But I have to remember you like a closet freak and we aren’t willing to share.
So as you lay me down so gently in the bed,
Just remember this phrase and keep it in your head:

I am yours and you mine, baby I’ll never leave and you’ve got me til the end of time.

Just Breathe

Breathe in, breathe out
It used to be so easy just 2 simple motions that our bodies are supposed to do with no struggle.
Breathe in, breathe out
Take in all the world has to give and let out all the unnecessary toxins that come in.
Breathe in, breathe out
Pain comes in and tries to take over your mind and body and from it out comes a stronger and healthier person with a new tolerance.
Breathe in, breathe out
Love comes in and feels your heart with so much joy and out goes the feelings of hate and loneliness.
Breathe in, breathe out
Faith comes in your soul and you trust in God, yourself, and others and out goes fear, self pity, and self doubt.
Breathe in, breathe out
It’s supposed to be that simple…so why can’t I breathe?

Crying – Not An Option

Crying has never been a real option for me. When I came home for the first time crying because the kids at school were teasing me and calling me names, my mom told me to “toughen up”. She said, “If you ever came home crying again because some kids were teasing you, I’ll give you something real to cry about!” To her, crying was showing that you’re weak and gave people a reason to continue to mess with you. So, of course, I never came home crying again.

Time went on and I’m older now, but I still find that crying is and never will be an option for me. I keep on thinking, “I don’t want anybody to think I’m weak, or less than who I am.” It’s the hardest thing in the world to do: be tough for everyone around you. I struggle more than most, just because I feel I can’t show hurt or pain…at least not on my face. It’s like this innate feeling and thought that “no one will like me or look at me the same if I shed a tear.” I can’t help but to feel it. So I don’t cry, and try my best to never let anyone see me cry; not even my mom.

Crying, for me, is not an option

Complicated

My feelings = Complicated

My life = Complicated

My story = Complicated

This day = Complicated

There are times when I do not feel like anything is easy, life never is of course. I still would like to think in my heart of hearts I will not always feel this way. I want to be able to tell you I love you, but of course, it is complicated. I am far from simple minded and far from understanding everything and being understood in every way. Some things are just not able to be understood and I am starting to feel like I am one of those things. Emotions everywhere, feelings cannot be contained or made sense of. Everything is scattered and I’ve lost my own way. Everything that once seemed so easily understood, is well just now….complicated.

I Am Not Your Child

A Kid, I Am NOT!

Everyday I work hard, harder and harder to prove that I can do the everyday tasks I am given. There are moments when I truly don’t feel I’m treated fairly.

It could be that I’m the youngest in my office, but I feel that should not mean that you talk to me as if I’m your child.

One mother is what I have, no more than that.

It’s hard to remind someone older than you that they don’t have the right to talk to you any way they feel like it because, of course, you’re the disrespectful one when you tell them you don’t appreciate the way they address you. SMH

How do you tell someone kindly “Don’t take your problems out on me and go the other way with your disrespectful and bad attitude”?

This, I’m still trying to figure out; however, at this point I just try to refrain from going off like I would any other person.

I know when I do sit down and talk to her, I will start off by saying “I am not your child.”

It’s Funny…

It’s funny how the forecast can have “sunny skies” and then it thunderstorms in that same day.
It’s funny how the traffic report says a 10 minute ride on the Dan Ryan to downtown, you get on and there’s a traffic jam and now it’s going to take 45 minutes.
It’s funny how you can be feeling fine one minute and someone calls and tells you bad news in the next.
It’s funny how you can be bored and still have so much work to be done.
It’s funny how you been really hungry in one moment and then lose your appetite seconds later.

But it’s not funny the feeling you get when someone has to tell you goodbye. It never dawns on you, how deeply you feel for someone until they tell you they’re leaving. You’re happy for them, because it helps them live out their dreams and reach their goals. At the same time, you’re torn. Don’t want to have to say goodbye and tell them how much they will be missed, but don’t want them to think you don’t care. So what to do now?

Well you can smile and carry on like it doesn’t bother you, let them have a false hope that you will still keep up good communication; however, we all know that won’t work when you’re at opposite ends of the country. You don’t want to get too close because you know it won’t progress to anything, but don’t want to pull away and then there’s tension when they leave.

There’s no simple solution, there’s no solution that’ll bring less pain. All that is left is the reality of the situation: no one is ever ready to say goodbye.