Posts Tagged ‘pain’

Just Breathe

Posted: December 4, 2012 in Emotional
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Breathe in, breathe out
It used to be so easy just 2 simple motions that our bodies are supposed to do with no struggle.
Breathe in, breathe out
Take in all the world has to give and let out all the unnecessary toxins that come in.
Breathe in, breathe out
Pain comes in and tries to take over your mind and body and from it out comes a stronger and healthier person with a new tolerance.
Breathe in, breathe out
Love comes in and feels your heart with so much joy and out goes the feelings of hate and loneliness.
Breathe in, breathe out
Faith comes in your soul and you trust in God, yourself, and others and out goes fear, self pity, and self doubt.
Breathe in, breathe out
It’s supposed to be that simple…so why can’t I breathe?

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Crying – Not An Option

Posted: June 26, 2012 in Emotional
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Crying has never been a real option for me. When I came home for the first time crying because the kids at school were teasing me and calling me names, my mom told me to “toughen up”. She said, “If you ever came home crying again because some kids were teasing you, I’ll give you something real to cry about!” To her, crying was showing that you’re weak and gave people a reason to continue to mess with you. So, of course, I never came home crying again.

Time went on and I’m older now, but I still find that crying is and never will be an option for me. I keep on thinking, “I don’t want anybody to think I’m weak, or less than who I am.” It’s the hardest thing in the world to do: be tough for everyone around you. I struggle more than most, just because I feel I can’t show hurt or pain…at least not on my face. It’s like this innate feeling and thought that “no one will like me or look at me the same if I shed a tear.” I can’t help but to feel it. So I don’t cry, and try my best to never let anyone see me cry; not even my mom.

Crying, for me, is not an option

Depression

Posted: August 4, 2010 in Emotional
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I don’t understand what going on but I guess this is a start…

Depression

It’s a weird feeling, sometimes you don’t know that you’re even there. When you are, it just seems like there’s no getting out. It doesn’t mean that I want to kill myself or cause any bodily harm to myself, but I do feel that I’m not myself. It takes shape in all different forms. Right now, it’s one of those “I don’t want to do anything, or go anywhere,” kind of thing. I can’t shake the feeling that things are only going to get much worse before they can even start to get better and I’m already finding it hard as hell to not give up. At first I thought I was just really stressed, but usually there are things that can relieve that. However, I’ve tried my music, working out, and even smoking & drinking…nothing seems to change my mood. I just feel like I’m in this whole that I’ve dug soooo deep that I can’t even begin to get out of. I feel like I’m going nowhere and that I’ll always be in this same situation. I know something is wrong, it just doesn’t make any sense. How can I be where I am when I’ve been trying like heck to move forward? How do I keep finding myself crying, hoping, wishing, praying things would be different and it all stays the same? I keep trying to make plans and make changes to my life but every time I do something goes wrong and I just can’t change anything. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say…I’m just stuck (or at least so it feels). At the same time, I’m terrified of what change will bring for me. I know where I want to be, but the path is so foggy and unclear that I’m just not sure. I keep fighting my feelings and I pretend like I know what is to come and like things don’t affect me, but I can’t keep this up, I know that. At this point now…everything just hurts me. Not having money to take care of myself…hurts me. Having bills to pay and feeling like I won’t pay them on time unless I don’t eat…hurts me. Driving around illegally because I’m the only one that can take care of me…hurts me (especially when I can get pulled over and arrested anytime). Paranoid everyday because I can’t afford to pay the state so I’m watching my back every second…hurts me. Not knowing how I’m going to make it through because I’ve lost hope…hurts me. Not knowing if you really want to be with someone when you’re with that someone…hurts me.

I’m so ready to move forward with my life, but so afraid all at the same time. The craziest feeling is that through all of this, I feel the one person I want to be there for me isn’t even after they asked me to talk to them about it and to be the “go to” person. So now I feel partially alone. I know I’m not though; I have people that care and they make me feel a little different just not better. It stirs up a whole other batch of emotions, but ultimately I’m still here where I am…not moving…

Hmm… yea…that’s depression for you.

Permanent Pain

Posted: June 1, 2010 in Emotional
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People are in your life for a “Reason” “Season” or “A Lifetime”. It is always up to us to decide and learn which category people in our lives fall into. Forgiveness is mandatory when you’re a Christian, but the most difficult thing to do when we must face this task. There are too many people that have come in and out of my life for me to even count on one hand… Facebook doesn’t even have an accurate count. It becomes easy to say “I regret meeting ‘so-and-so'” when they’ve caused you pain; however, a lesson we are all forced to learn is to be appreciative for the good and bad in a situation because it’s all a learning process. SO even though I have been hurt by quite a few people in my life, forgiving them is supposed to be the right thing to do. My main problem is when I do this, they don’t understand that this is not a right of passage for you to come back in my life. There are times where I think well maybe you have changed and maybe we can give this…US another chance; but then again, there’s a definite reason we stopped talking and why we shouldn’t even be speaking. I still can’t determine why I even let you weasel your way back in, but no more! There is only so much a person can take and I have definitely reached my limit. There is a certain thing called “love me and leave me.” I have forgiven you for the pain you caused me, but I cannot let you in my life as a constant reminder of the pain you did cause. YOU have been making me feel conflicted for far too long and now it’s time for me to move on and live my life without the threat of you trying to be a part of it. There are just some things you need to get over and I am one of them, OUR season has passed and it’s time YOU and I let it. They say the one that truly loves you will never make you cry, but be there to wipe away your tears. I have cried because of the pain you have caused me and you have no power to make them go away. Wounds do heal with time, but these wounds are honestly too deep. I can’t even press forward at times and continue to live my life the way I’m meant to. I have learned my lesson the hard way to let by-gone’s be by-gone’s and keep moving forward. It’s time that I take my own advice and leave you in my past and never let you invade into my present or future. Heartbreak is always the toughest thing to get over, but I refuse to let someone else suffer because of your mistake. So it is time for me to forgive and forget and never look back. I have a new found happiness and I will continue to let it grow and flourish.

I love with all my heart and now it is time for someone who appreciates that to reap the benefits.

“Love & Be Loved”

This is MY TIME for LOVE