Posts Tagged ‘hurt’

Crying – Not An Option

Posted: June 26, 2012 in Emotional
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Crying has never been a real option for me. When I came home for the first time crying because the kids at school were teasing me and calling me names, my mom told me to “toughen up”. She said, “If you ever came home crying again because some kids were teasing you, I’ll give you something real to cry about!” To her, crying was showing that you’re weak and gave people a reason to continue to mess with you. So, of course, I never came home crying again.

Time went on and I’m older now, but I still find that crying is and never will be an option for me. I keep on thinking, “I don’t want anybody to think I’m weak, or less than who I am.” It’s the hardest thing in the world to do: be tough for everyone around you. I struggle more than most, just because I feel I can’t show hurt or pain…at least not on my face. It’s like this innate feeling and thought that “no one will like me or look at me the same if I shed a tear.” I can’t help but to feel it. So I don’t cry, and try my best to never let anyone see me cry; not even my mom.

Crying, for me, is not an option

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Depression

Posted: August 4, 2010 in Emotional
Tags: , , , , ,

I don’t understand what going on but I guess this is a start…

Depression

It’s a weird feeling, sometimes you don’t know that you’re even there. When you are, it just seems like there’s no getting out. It doesn’t mean that I want to kill myself or cause any bodily harm to myself, but I do feel that I’m not myself. It takes shape in all different forms. Right now, it’s one of those “I don’t want to do anything, or go anywhere,” kind of thing. I can’t shake the feeling that things are only going to get much worse before they can even start to get better and I’m already finding it hard as hell to not give up. At first I thought I was just really stressed, but usually there are things that can relieve that. However, I’ve tried my music, working out, and even smoking & drinking…nothing seems to change my mood. I just feel like I’m in this whole that I’ve dug soooo deep that I can’t even begin to get out of. I feel like I’m going nowhere and that I’ll always be in this same situation. I know something is wrong, it just doesn’t make any sense. How can I be where I am when I’ve been trying like heck to move forward? How do I keep finding myself crying, hoping, wishing, praying things would be different and it all stays the same? I keep trying to make plans and make changes to my life but every time I do something goes wrong and I just can’t change anything. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say…I’m just stuck (or at least so it feels). At the same time, I’m terrified of what change will bring for me. I know where I want to be, but the path is so foggy and unclear that I’m just not sure. I keep fighting my feelings and I pretend like I know what is to come and like things don’t affect me, but I can’t keep this up, I know that. At this point now…everything just hurts me. Not having money to take care of myself…hurts me. Having bills to pay and feeling like I won’t pay them on time unless I don’t eat…hurts me. Driving around illegally because I’m the only one that can take care of me…hurts me (especially when I can get pulled over and arrested anytime). Paranoid everyday because I can’t afford to pay the state so I’m watching my back every second…hurts me. Not knowing how I’m going to make it through because I’ve lost hope…hurts me. Not knowing if you really want to be with someone when you’re with that someone…hurts me.

I’m so ready to move forward with my life, but so afraid all at the same time. The craziest feeling is that through all of this, I feel the one person I want to be there for me isn’t even after they asked me to talk to them about it and to be the “go to” person. So now I feel partially alone. I know I’m not though; I have people that care and they make me feel a little different just not better. It stirs up a whole other batch of emotions, but ultimately I’m still here where I am…not moving…

Hmm… yea…that’s depression for you.